President OMama

America, here’s something we can all agree on. President Obama, like his predecessors, has become a mother. Proof:

1. No matter how much he does, there’s even more he can’t get to.

2. In his effort to be moderate, he ends up disappointing or angering everyone.

3. His application of mascara is strictly procedural; the tube is too old even for bacteria.

4. He overestimated his energy for dog ownership.

5. Jack Johnson is on “repeat all.”

6. He hurriedly dry-shaves at the powder room sink before doctor appointments. Later, when the painful rash appears, he swears he’ll never do it again. But he knows he’s kidding himself.

7. When he looks out the car window at night, he passes fancy hotels and thinks “I could disappear in there.”

8.  His short haircut is practical, but he secretly covets Michelle Bachmann’s locks.

9. Upon sneezing one too many times at work, he MacGyvers a T.P. pantiliner in the office bathroom. An hour or so later, he discovers that it rode up the back of his pants and wafted down to the carpet near the copier.  It takes him a minute to recognize his monstrous creation, which now resembles a folded paper fan. Panicking, he drops a stack of documents to cover it. A thoughtful co-worker arrives to help pick up the papers.

10. He can’t remember #10.