If a Coconut Girl (new mom) is crying or generally has the blues, her partner might ask “how can I help?” This well-meaning question, oddly enough, can sometimes make things worse. Here’s why. Partners like to fix things, to make life better. To do so, they seek specific acts they can perform to produce a desired outcome–namely, a happy Coconut Girl. But if she’s exhausted (likely) or depressed (possibly), she may be incapable of giving specific instructions. And in many cases, the relief she seeks is not readily available because her newborn is so physically and emotionally dependent on her body alone.
To a newborn mom, it can feel like there’s no way out. On one hand, she may long for her old life, with its freedom of movement and schedule, professional fulfillment and connection to a social network. On the other hand, she loves her baby. Even if a new mom could rewind time to a more familiar and comfortable existence, nothing would be the same. She is a mother now, and her bond with her child is mysterious and impenetrable.Wrestling with this conundrum can leave a mom feeling stuck, and her partner feeling frustrated and ineffective to help relieve her 24/7 workload.
With this relationship low-point in mind, here are a few specific suggestions for the partner of a new mother–whether the baby is her first or her fifth:
1. If a Coconut Girl is complaining that things that are stressful to her, listen. She may let loose a giant, rambling, stream-of-consciousness monologue about the minutia of her days and nights. L.I.S.T.E.N. It’s not minutia to her; her life is unpredictable from minute to minute with a newborn in the house. That’s a deeply unsettling way for anyone to live. Try not to give advice during these long downloads unless she solicits it. Your input and ideas are important, and deserve to be heard when she’s less stressed and more receptive. For now, listen and acknowledge how hard it is. This is the greatest gift you can give her because you are essentially unburdening her of the mental prison of worry and isolation. Since having a baby, your Coconut Girl has basically rolled out of the delivery room or O.R. and sprinted into a year-long Iron-Man competition on no sleep. She needs to speak frankly about its effect on her. Complaining is not the same as being ungrateful. In this case it’s a healthy way of processing a difficult time. She will love you for your attention and understanding. [Important Note: if she says anything that indicates that she or the baby is in danger, apprise her ob/gyn immediately. For a great resource regarding postpartum mood disorders that includes symptom checklists and resources for medical and peer-to-peer support, click here. ]
2. When offering suggestions to a Coconut Girl, be specific about what YOU can do, rather than what SHE should do.
If she’s feeling lonely, for example,
Don’t say: “Why don’t you call Erica and see if she can meet you for lunch?” If she could pull this off, she would have done it already.
Do say: “I’d love to have lunch with you this week; I was thinking Italian. I’ll bring the calendar over and we can pick a day and time.”
3. Repeat #2. A lot. Coconut Girls are often housebound for months. They need social contact. Get her rolling with outings with you. Then start queuing up her friends. Be her Secretary of Health and Human Services. Who are the friends who make her laugh, lift her spirits? Openly call or email them and have them schedule visits. Friends should set up specific appointments vs. leaving things open-ended. If their schedules permit, recurring weekly appointments are ideal. Then your Coconut Girl has a point on the horizon to look towards each week. She can use the visit for a lunch outing or to run an elusive errand. Venturing into Target to get onesies can be daunting if a baby’s fussy or falls asleep in the car on the way. A friend’s rested mind and helping hands can make a quick errand do-able. Remind everyone that she will likely be late to all appointments. Babies are pre-programmed to blow-out their diapers right after being buckled into their carseats.
4. Watch the household projects. There are two kinds of new moms in this world: those for whom a handy-man partner relieves stress, and those for whom the handy-man partner adds stress. Ask your Coconut Girl which one she is. Do you come home from work and tackle the disrepair that the house has fallen into since the onset of parenthood? That could be a good or bad thing. Some new moms feel better when neglected household items are attended to.
Others would prefer that a partner’s time be spent with them and the baby so they can have some adult company and a break from constant childcare duty. If your Coconut Girl is a hybrid of the two, check in with her before you start a project at night or on the weekend. Decide together if it’s a top priority. Be sure to discuss a realistic estimate of how much time the project will take from start to finish before proceeding.
5. Stock the fridge and car daily. When you’re home in the evening and your Coconut Girl’s busy with the baby, you can get the kitchen and car ready for her day tomorrow.
Kitchen instructions: You don’t have to be a gourmet cook. Hard-boil 4 eggs (cover eggs with cold water in a saucepan; turn on med-high heat and cook for 12 minutes. Remove from heat, drain, let cool, peel, put in bowl, cover, set in frige). Set out a few ziplocks of tortilla chips or pretzels (Big bags of chips are generally too bulky and noisy to be tenable for a mom holding a sleeping infant). Queue up some squeeze-tube yogurts within easy reach; set out some bananas; wash and dry some celery stalks and fill with cream cheese & dill. These easy snacks will keep her going the next day. For more suggestions on mom-food, click here. Car instructions: Put the following on the passenger seat of her car: a bottle of water, a banana, a napkin, and a peanut butter (or soynut butter, etc.) and jelly sandwich in a ziplock. Place a magazine she likes in her car door pocket (it can be an old one that’s been lying around the house). This is so that if she’s out driving around and the baby falls asleep, she can park and have easy calories, hydration and reading within reach.
Make sure her cell phone is charged. In the trunk, queue up a back-up outfit for her. Babies can profusely spit up and have diaper wrecks all over mom during outings, as well as at home.
6. You rock. No, seriously, you rock. Thank you for reading this and for taking care of your Coconut Girl.
Great blog! My daughter is two and it brings back some memories.
Thanks!