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bs.  Can you guess what I just wrote? Bear with me, I’m trying to outrun the pornbots. Especially the international ones spamming me with ads for discount ED drugs. Such as the following promo, disguised as a comment on this blog:

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Awwww. The bot saw me as so much more than just a man-drug-poppin’ mama. It totally gets that I’m a maid-matron within coral reef.

Comment approved!

But back to the subject of this post. I’ll give you a hint. If you punch 58008 into your phone-calculator and turn it upside down, you’ll get today’s topic. Forget the comma.

Specifically I want to write about the nozzles on 58008. And how it’s crazy that when we say nozzle, people freak out. A fun numerical fact: the Phantom Nozzle. Know what I mean, Coconut Girls? When your baby passes out after chowing down, unlatches, and keeps on nozzling? So cute.

Not cute: biting.

Another 58008 fact:I really understand the pictures in National Geographic now. Also, an insensitive fact: a guy on my freshman floor called numbers of a certain dimension “tuckers.” Because they could be tucked into pants. I know, I know, now you’re scarred like me. Sorry, so rude!

Today I drank a chai latte and thought, I have no idea what cow 8008 this came from. Was it in Virginia? Or in Wisconsin, America’s Dairyland? How did it get here, right here in my cup, before spoiling? Wherever you are, thank you.

Last story. Once I was at my in-laws for Christmas. My 2-month old was sick and super fussy, poor thing. My numbers and nozzles got an insane workout. I spent hours in the guest room. Hours! I missed apps and drinks. I missed dinner. I missed dessert. Finally, as candles were being blown out and guests kissed goodbye, I came stumbling out, bug-eyed, finally having settled my precious babe. My mother-in-law, a pious and generous woman, re-lit the candles and brought me a warm plate of food. “Thank you so much,” I said, “because my 58008 and I are starving.” She nodded, and sat in silence while I ate.