Time Passages

“Don’t turn around twice; they’ll be grown up!”

Parents of young children hear this advice (or its equivalent) all the time from people with grown kids. The sentiment well-intended:  learn from my experience that this time is precious. Treasure it.

There are subtexts as well.
-I didn’t appreciate the time with my children enough, and now I feel regret.

-I did treasure my children, and now that they’re grown, I miss them terribly.

Depending on context, the comment may also mean:

-You don’t know how good you have it.  Stop complaining.

-No, I’m not going to babysit.

-The Avett Brothers are in concert tonight at 9. Beers before. I’m out!

Do you remember that hit book from the 70’s: Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life  by Gail Sheehy?  Every grown-up on Earth owned it. The cover featured groovy rainbow block letters racing toward a magenta frame. I imagine Sheehy has expert insight as to why people say “Don’t turn around…” and why I have a visceral reaction when they do. Maybe they’re all chapter 23, and I’m all chapter 21. I could read and find out, but I just perused the table of contents on Amazon.  Conclusion: Passages put adults in crisis in the first place. Witness the the incredibly depressing chapter briefs, like this one:

I also don’t accept that life has only twenty-five chapters before the “Afterword.”

Another variation of “Don’t turn around…” is “Just wait ’til they’re teenagers.”  This warning/brush-off comes from embittered parents of adolescents who don’t mind that your toddler just fell off a play structure or nearly choked on a grape.  “Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.” Years ago, that’s what a father said within minutes of meeting my preschooler and me. When his sixteen-year old son rolled his eyes, I thought, “Bless you.”

It’s possible, even likely, that we’re all correct, whatever our stage in parenting. Young families can treasure each other and tire of the daily grind. Empty nesters can possess parenting wisdom and lose touch with the reality of caring for children 24/7.  Culturally, most people now have the good sense not to go up to near-strangers and say “You’re fat/old/cheap.” Could we also refrain from saying “You’re clueless/ungrateful/doomed”?

In America, family members are often separated from each other geographically, preventing inter-generational contact. The built environment, with its suburban sprawl, retirement communities, and nursing homes intensifies age isolation within local communities. When we interact almost exclusively with people of the same generation, it becomes hard to understand those who are younger or older. This leads to insensitive comments, and worse.

The world’s most sacred texts contain passages about supporting families throughout life.  I don’t know what they are, so I’ll close with a verse from Falco’s 80’s dance sensation, “Der Kommissar.”

Its a clear case, Herr Kommissar
Cause all the children know
They’re all slidin’ down into the valley
They’re all slipping on the same snow

Hear the children
Don’t turn around, oh oh
Der Kommissar’s in town, oh oh…

–Falco & Robert Ponger