Weren’t those old-timey “Greatest Hits” TV commercials riveting? Conway Twitty, Boxcar Willy, Englebert Humperdinck…As a kid, I had no idea who these weird people were, but I could’ve watched their Tee Vee Records ads all day. The singers’ heartfelt crooning, big hairdos and sparkly microphones were enough bring me to my feet in sappy rapture. Add the mesmerizing pitch-man, with his low, low price of $19.99…Well, all I can say is thank goodness they didn’t have kiddie credit cards back then.
Fast forward to now. Dag, it’s cold, and everybody’s sick. So come warm your bones by the fire of my burning fantasy: to have my very own greatest hits collection! I may be singing* about humidifiers and cabin fever instead of cheatin’ lovers and life on the road, but the Coconut Girl takes what she can get. Order now, operators are standing by!
*Singing = not singing. Most likely writing or making a video. Oh, wait, there is an original song in the hit-list below! A Ronco Rhinestone and Stud Setterâ„¢ for the first twenty callers who find it!
1. “Sickhaus.” An homage to cold and flu season.
2. “Wheely Garden Cart FAQ’s.” Anyone else desperate for something green in the middle of winter?
3. “Something from Nothing.”. Cabin fever inspires some art.
4. “Permeable Membrane.” A boy gets a haircut, and a mom finds innocence at a car wash.
5. “Meals On Wheels.” Looking for our elderly neighbor.
6. “Stuck Behind A Backhoe.” If you’re in a hurry, watch out for Caterpillars.
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