Affirmation Rules

With the start of a new year, people rev up their resolutions. They vow to start doing this, and stop doing that. There are grand resolutions (“Sing with Danny DeVito”).  And there are daily-grind resolutions that must be faced regularly. Like flossing, or avoiding the asbestos of the American diet: soy powder. When we falter, it’s easy to feel like a failure. That’s why new year’s resolutions need new-age sidekicks: affirmations.

Affirmations are statements that bolster our sense of self-worth. They keep the tough going when the going gets tough, to paraphrase Billy Ocean. For maximum benefit, it’s best to follow these 3 affirmation rules:

1. Affirmations are positive by nature. Don’t hold back.

2. Write them down.

3. Don’t leave your affirmations on the big reading table at the local Clerk’s office. Especially if you still write your name at the top of the page, as you were taught in grade school.

While we’re on the subject of the Clerk’s office, did you know that many of the people there are regulars? Their job is to research government records, for attorneys’ offices and the like. This means they’ll probably recognize you, the newcomer, when you come back the next day to finish your work. It also means they read a lot.

And let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you haven’t noticed yet that your affirmations are missing. Your kids have been sick, you’re super-stressed-out about work, etc. Thus you also miss the A-ha! looks in the room when your phone rings and you answer, “Hello, this is Whitney.”  Which is good. Why suffer when you don’t have to?

In fact, you’re about to experience the opposite of suffering. As you exit the room to avoid disturbing others with your phone call, you pass the reading table in the middle of the room. You glance down at the sheet of paper lying there and Bam! like a lightening bolt of quantum physics, you see your very own name written next to the words “philanthropist” and “full splits.” Enraptured that the Law of Attraction has found you right here, in the Clerk’s office, you rein yourself in because the nurse on the other end of the line wants your son to have a strep test. You make an appointment for 3:40, then rush back to the mystical papyrus on the reading table with its affirmation confirmations just for you!

You look at the paper but don’t pick it up. Someone must have left it for you–but who? Will people think you’re nosy if you keep hovering? Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

*

“How could you not recognize your own handwriting?” the friend asks. You told her you’d left notes about a medical condition at the Clerk’s office, not affirmations. Less embarrassing. “I don’t know,” you explain feebly, “this whole self-care thing is new to me. The content and my name just didn’t connect in my mind.” Together you walk through a puddle towards the taco shop. “I’ve been meaning to return your flash cards for the licensing exams,” she says, kindly changing the subject. “Did they help?” you inquire. You made the cards yourself and passed all nine tests on the first try. “Definitely,” she says. “Especially the affirmation cards.”

*

When the going gets tough

The tough get going, tough, tough

When the going gets tough, the tough get ready

I got something to tell you

I got something to say

I’m gonna put this dream in motion

Never let nothing stand in my way

When the going gets tough

The tough get going
Well I’m gonna get myself ‘cross the river

That’s the price I’m willing to pay

I’m gonna make you stand and deliver

And give me love in the old-fashion way ¹

–Billy Ocean

  ¹ the Coconut Girl does not understand or endorse whatever this means