Conversations with Candy Screen, A & Q

A spiritual book I once read is structured in a question-and-answer format. It says to do this:

Lie down in your boat and let the current turn you downstream.

Meanwhile, a flyer I have from the American Academy of Pediatricians (AAP), says to do this:

Limit your child’s screen-time to less than one hour per day, and save sweets for special occasions.

Since I like to learn things in reverse, I’ll take these answers (and others), and ask some questions.

Re: boats, currents, screens and candy…Where can I put the AAP flyer while I’m reclining in the boat? Because when I lie down, screens and candy rain down from America and sink me and the boat. I don’t think the AAP likes its handouts to get wet. Also, is this the gist of what you’re saying about the current:  stop resisting and pushing in life, and chill out/accept, instead? If so, my children will definitely high-five you because then, every time they come with me to the office supply store, or the mechanic’s shop, or any other non-food place of business that sells M&Ms and suspends giant TVs, they’ll be dialed.

Answer: Brooklyn has gone gluten-free because flour is not food.

Question: What? Is the staff-of-life era over? As a kid, I logged hundreds of hours in the grocery store aisles with my mom learning to analyze bread labels.  Sorry, I forgot grocery stores are out, too.

Answer: By the time your baby has yawned three times, he’s on the verge of becoming overtired and may not nap.

Question: Do the sleep experts become experts by passing up promotional TV appearances so they can put their babies down for naps?

Answer: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, never fear.

Question: Is there also a coke-beer mnemonic device? How does this sound? Beer then coke, not awoke. Coke then beer, gettin’ freer. (It’s a work in progress).

Answer: Three pancakes come with the vegetarian moo-shu.

Question: Three? What are the pancakes made of, water, rice flour, and diamond dust? There are enough shredded vegetables for ten pancakes at least.

Answer: If someone asks for the salt or pepper, pass both.

Question: No questions about that one.

Answer: Some parents shop with their children at 10 pm not because they’re crummy caregivers, but because they might not have an alternative. They could be out-of-towners who got stuck in a traffic jam for three hours and now they need allergy medicine. Or they could be single parents, or maybe they just got off work and picked up their kid from a relative’s and remembered on the way home that there’s nothing in the fridge for breakfast.

Question: Can that answer fit on a t-shirt, and/or can you text that info to people like me who have douchily judged and been judged?  What do you think would be the best font, Judge Judy, or Dalai Lama?