Despite their superficial differences, open-plan architecture offices and napping babies share a key, defining characteristic: the ability to make grown-ups neurotic about noise. Granted, not every design firm and sleeping baby demand unperforated quiet. But many—I daresay most—do. I’ve been in architecture firms where receptionists nearly devour their receivers rather than let the phone ring twice. Proceed past the tempered glass lobby doors, and you’ll be swept by the eyes of workers clicking away on CAD drawings, tiny white earbuds flanking their heads. The worst day to visit an open-plan office? On an architect’s birthday. However artful the fanned fruit tartlets, the Happy Birthday song is an awkward and atonal squall in a sea of silence.
Architects like me have a lot to teach new parents, and not just about nursery motifs and social ill-ease. We can help parents with colicky babies by sharing trade secrets for reservedness. To preserve new parents’ sanity, the design assignment is this: Don’t wake the baby. Parents can learn from professionals to be obsessively quiet in all things. In this way, parents won’t squander the numerous hours (I’m talking hours) spent soothing a high-need baby to sleep.
Designers respect and share parents’ work ethic. They want all that naptime prep to net parents at least an hour to scroll through Facebook. Firms even have a term for work marathons: “Charrettes.” Is it a coincidence that Charette could pass for a baby name? No, it is not.
Below are some sound-attenuation tips from architects who work in open-plan offices.
Decoy headphones. Unempirical studies show that designers won’t disturb a co-worker if he/she is wearing headphones. Deter your partner and family members from talking to you during baby’s naps by wearing earbuds. Just plug the jack into your pocket, because you still have to listen for your baby’s cry, remember?
Roll with it. Incredible though it seems, a spinning toilet paper roller can actually be heard through a solid bathroom door and across a pin-droppy office (or house). While using the toilet, carefully remove the roll of toilet tissue from the roller and replace (silently) when finished.
Bracket with white noise. Until the day when OB-GYNs communicate with patients via text, they’ll keep calling. Women designers know that privacy is just a bathroom fan away. Flip the switch, then talk in a low voice. Effective for phone calls or in-person discussions. You won’t be able to make out what anyone’s saying. so say “uh-huh, yes” a lot in the case of the former, lip-read in the case of the latter.
BRA diet. Similar to the BRAT diet, but ditch the noisy toast. Bananas, Rice, and Applesauce are not only gentle on your tummy, they’re also nearly inaudible when consumed. Just add in a prune every few days.
The old soft shoe. Remember the 80’s running shoe/business suit combination? Don’t go that far, but do find footwear with similar sound-dampening soles, like Mushrooms, whose slogan is ‘Like walking on air.” Other options include the SAS Siesta and the old-school-architect standby, the Clark’s Wallabee.
Not recommended: Sleeping while the baby sleeps. Though sleep is essential and quiet, you, just like hardworking architects, have a ton of stuff to do. Just move slowly and remember the layout of those creaky floorboards, Spidey.
The SAS "Siesta"
ah yes – the squeaky floor boards – located strategically between baby’s crib and ANYwhere YOU are. Just TRY to walk RIGHT UP AGAINST the baseboard (where the floorboards MIGHT be too secure to squeak). Or plot, stepping stone fashion, across the expanse of floor – remembering precisely where EACH squeaky board is. ONE misstep and you’re DONE – up like a flash goes baby’s head – screaming and waking up EVERY other child who formerly was sound asleep. “This is ABSURD !” you think – “WHY must I plot then repeat this maneuver EVERY night ?” “I am a RESPONSIBLE adult, hold ing down a GROWN-UP job in a clinic or laboratory or classroom or office. I ‘should’ be able to sanely conduct my HOME life (read Baby’s uninterrupted sleep) without this ridiculous mid-night hopscotch game !” But NO! one false move and you’re DONE for – what ? an hour ? 2 hours ? of soothing the baby back to sleep.